Sunday, August 9, 2009

Urgency and responsibility

Attended Sunday worship with Sarah Edjan today. Sarah's one of my best friends and I thought of joining her today since I neede some spiritual healing. Fortunately, I did receive some spiritual healing even a little bit. I had a few realizations and that include the following:  

I. Sense of Urgency

For most people like me, or should I say to people like me, it is always a struggle to manage time properly. I never had that sense of urgency since I have this thinking that time will always be there and I can always have excuses. Much of my life has been reduced to petty excuses why I can't deliver my duties on time and it is really taking its toll on me like a big rock pressing my soul deeper and deeper until I can't do anything good anymore, until my self-esteem and self-respect has been nothing.

As I try to look at this problem this very moment, I realize that I get easily distracted by the simplest of things and I easily tire from the same old things that I do. I just want peace, to be left alone and do my stuff. Whenever I am with people, I tend to lose slef-control and before I know it I can no longer compose my self and get looking at my personal goals which is to become successful. But how can someone like me who can never deliver on time become successful? Seriously this is becoming my dilemma, and I want to move on with peace in my heart. But how can I?
II. Sense of responsibility

This sense of responsibility is still something that I need to learn to imbibe in my personal values. I just can't see the importance of upholding my responsibilities since I think it would only affect me when I fail to deliver, but what I don't see is that I am connected with people, to a bigger chain that failing affects many. I guess this irresponsibleness of mine roots from my over regard of myself.

I see myself as someone great, deserving of respect but even respect cannot be forced out of people. It is not something asked but freely given. And when people respect you, it's because they think you deserve it and not because you told them to do so. And so, have I earned their respect? Do I even deserve their respect? Sometimes I dwell on self pity because there is nothing much respectful about me. I am a liar, lazy, dirty, ugly, poor- and all I do my entire life is to wear a mask to cover all these scars in my character. And where has it brought me now? It's here- a land of pretentions where I don't even know who I am. This mask that I am wearing has become so prominent that there is nothing much about me anymore that people see. I am a fool to think that I am good enough.

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